She was a prototype.

Since May came around my affiliation with Kat has been reduced to a random text every now and then at some godforsaken hour of the night. These usually lead to me texting her back in the morning with "hey?" and never receiving anything back until a few days later at some other godforsaken time. I can meet new people, start new with someone amazing and different. I have no problem with attracting girls, but since I met Kat I never pursued another. Although i did manage to get a few that pursued me... but that's another topic for another time. At this point i had met a girl on her birthday through a mutual friend. She is weird, childish, and has stupid jokes that I hardly ever laugh to. She came at a great time I saw it, someone to grab my attention and focus it away from Kat. I tell Kat that I was threw with her and her bullshit. I told her to not talk to me anymore and that I'm moving on. It felt so good knowing i was making her feel sorrow. Giving her a taste of her own vile poison. God damn did it feel good knowing she was suffering, not as much as I felt, but enough to put a grim smile on my face. I hear from her a few weeks into May and she tells me that she broke up with Steve. Wow. That's all that i could say. I chuckled to myself about this later. She would do this right when I tell her that I'm done. Fuck it. I continued not texting her. My attention was on this new girl. Although that didnt stop Kat from hitting me up randomly still. Just random bullshit we talked about. Small talk mostly. I come to find out later she got back with Steve. This is were this confession comes to the present day. However i have slowly stopped talking to this new girl with the thought that I don't want to use her to move on. I need time to move on or something like that... I'm a fucking mess. Kat still texts me here and there late at night saying goodnight and that she loves me. Ugh.... I feel like I've gone so far but I'm so far gone now. This is were I'm left at. I don't think anyone is reading this or has read this but maybe one of these days this might be some nice material for a novel hehe. Stay tuned. Ciao.

A New Year

2010. I wanted change just like everyone else in the world. A year to start new and fresh. I wanted to better myself from this situation that i was in. I love the girl but the amount of sadness that comes with this affair is getting to heavy to maintain. I tell Kat around the beginning of January that if she doesn't leave Steve, I'm going to leave and continue on with my pursuit of happiness. With or without her. She gives me a date for me to wait for her to do this. Two months and we will be together finally. She wants to end things with Steve with her having the upper hand. She is scared that he will sabotage us if she left on a bad note. Two months, whats that to wait after what I've already been through. No problem lets do this. March creeps in like a terminal patient counting down the days left in there life. It comes and goes like any old day... She had failed to do what she swore to do. Like that meant anything to her. We fight, we split up, we kiss and make up. This is the cycle i wind-up in for the next two months. Come May we are hardly seeing each other. At this point I tell myself that I'm done for good. Fuck this girl. The cold hollow space in my chest was slowly being filled with an angry fire.. I looked at how painfully low I put myself for this girl that never gave as much of an effort as I did. I was angry and enraged. I told myself I had to move on. I had to, for my well being for my sanity!

Through the loop...

So. We continue on with our little setup. Late night visits.. Sneaking in and out of her window. No need to chase the thrills, chasing her brought them to me. Some more time goes on and we continue talking, by this time its around November and I head out of town to visit my family for Thanksgiving. While I'm there i continue on my connections with Kat. Week into my stay my father confronts me about a topic: Kat. I did tell my mother what i was doing with this girl and she hardly approved but let me do my thing. She's been in love and knows the foolish things people do. Turns out she talked to my father about this, he sat me down. Mano y Mano. The basic thing he wanted to get across was that if i really care about Kat then i should stop communication with her until she is single. He says that this relationship is putting to much stress on me that someone my age doesn't need. He is right but i knew what i was getting myself into from the get go.... or so i tell myself. I have to give this a try. My father and I aren't so close and so if he has something to say I'm going to have to take it into consideration. I tell Kat she agrees with me but I know she was going to be hurting. Oh well. This lasts maybe a week or two. I get back into town and first night back i see her. I tried pops. Oh did i try...

It's been awhile...

Well... I'm going to start by saying that i have been caught up in the mix. At one point I did forget about this blog and everything i've written in it. Its not a bad thing i suppose but so much time has gone by since my last entry. I don't think I'm going to forget any of this but the details slowly fade away into the everyday. After rereading were i left off on this topsy turby story, it's come to my attention that there is so much left unwritten. So without further ado we continue on with this tale of a pair of star-crossed lovers...

Round 2. Continued...

By this time, Steve is hunting for me. He keeps calling me and telling me
he is going to fight me when he catches me. Says he knows where i hang out and all this.
I had it coming, i mean i am sleeping with his girlfriend... but ahh i dont know.
Its more then that. Anyways after that she texts me and tells me she doesnt want me out
of her life. I dont want her out of mine either. My feelings are strong for this girl. Im falling for her hard. Since then things have been on a real hush hush basis. Everyone that knew about what happened think that Kat and I dont talk anymore at all. Only a very small number of close close friends know the truth. I've been seeing her since then only at night... heh.. i never thought i would be sneaking in thru windows to see a girl. Its a fun feeling. Time has only reinforced my feelings for this girl. At the same time though, all this time has passed and she is still with her boyfriend. This is were things get hard. I love her, i can honestly say i love this girl with every bit of my heart, but at the same time she is breaking it. Knowing that i will always be number 2 in this is horrible. I know i dont have the things that he has and the way things are right now i cant give her what she wants. I can give her something amazing but here she is denying it. I dont know where this is going to end up at.. I know where i want it to be and things are changing with us but in the end i dont have her. I dont have Kat. She tells me she loves me. Looks me dead in the eyes and tells me she loves me. I love her too but in my mind i cant help but think if she loves her boyfriend how can she do that to him with me? If she can do that to him, someone she loves, whats going to stop her from doing that to me..... ahhhh my mind is so foggy lately... i know alot of people would have just moved on or something. Its taking alot to keep pushing forward.

Round 2.

The thing that was so hard to understand and i still dont understand it to this day is
how Kat would go back to her boyfriend, even after he treats her bad. Some of the things
he would say to her, just show what type of person he is. Anyway, i get a text..
Its Kat.. she says she doesnt want me out of her life. Best news i heard in awhile.
So things continue on with the way they have been going EXCEPT now i cant see Kat
as often as i did. We had to keep things very hush hush at this point. So only a few of my close
friends knew i was seeing her still. Our days of hanging out together were thru, at least while the
sun was out. Everybody was telling me that i was in a bad relationship. She had me and him.
And i didnt even have her. I just couldnt resist it. She was killing me with the things she did, with what she would say. She didnt want to leave her boyfriend for me. I couldnt leave her, i loved being with her. This goes on for a month or so and before i know it... shit hits the fan again.
Next thing i know im getting a call from her on my phone. I answer it expecting her voice and instead im greeted by a really angry Steve. He says he wants to beat me up and he is going to find me one day. Oh well.. i had this all coming. I knew it. So he hangs up. I get a text later form Kat saying she is sorry and that this time she really does have to stop talking with me. I didnt know what to feel anymore... all i could tell her was to do her and i would do me. The next day out of the blue i get a text... its Kat...

The breaking point

i felt really guilty knowing i had cheated on Mandy like that...
this was the first time i've ever cheated on a girl. I knew i had to break things off
with her before anything else happened. So by the end of August, i was a single man again.
Things were going good between Kat and i. It felt fun and exciting knowing we had to be
sneaky about what we were doing. I cared about this girl so much. There was nothing i could do.
Kat had told me from the start that i shouldnt put to much thought into our relationship...
that i should just take it for what it is. Not to fall in love. I tried my hardest but the more and more we saw each other the more it became clear to me that i was falling for her.
Now this is were the shit hit the fan. I had brought Kat along with me to a couple of my friends
houses and we just hung here and there. Well one of those friends turned out to be a friend of Steve, Kats boyfriend. Im at Kats house and Steve shows up and picks her up...
so i just go to a friends house when i get a call on my phone.
Its Steve, he's asking me all these questions....
long story short, we were busted. I remember that night Kat called me and told me she was
going to have to stop talking to me. Was the worst feeling in the world losing someone you cared
about so much. I would do anything for that girl. I couldnt hold back the tears. I felt like i was losing my bestfriend. But then.... a few days later... i get a text.